This one's for you, Mitt.

He is That Guy


It’s over, Mitt.

You had a good run. Made strong memories. Well, not really.

But now, well... it's time. Time to pick yourself up, and do the honorable thing. No, not by putting dozens of Californians back to work by nearly quadrupling your La Jolla beach front home; that will come later. But by being loyal to the conservative movement and removing yourself from further Republican Presidential primaries.

Republicans aren't asking you to not run because you were in an extramarital affair with a woman who could move heaven, earth and deliver sensitive news for you. Nor are they not asking you to run because your name is remotely connected with some perverse sexual connotation. They are asking you not to run because, simply put, they do not have faith in your leadership (see results from 2008 GOP Presidential nominating process.)

What you need Mitt is a messenger who’ll find a delicate way to tell the American public you’re really a déposed Eastern European loyalist planted here many of years ago as an American to test whether the GOP really cares about your views on narcissistic leadership. (Trust me, they don’t.) That, or just tell them the truth. It’s really up to you.

The plan: you’ll email your most beloved supporter on Fox And Friends with the message you truly wish you could deliver in person. They will interpret it in their succinct, caring way, while at the same time, delivering your political eulogy. Sorry, but stating that you “..want to travel the country and promote your ‘states values’,” has already been used.

To be clear, this isn’t the way to handle your garden-variety “It’s not you, it’s me” scenario when it comes to losing the nomination for the umptenth time. This is for the one who’s opponents set your clothes on fire, sold your yellow lab and used all your gin to make appletinis.

Here’s your chance. Make it count.

  • Print

Features