The Farmer File: Snowbirds -- The Sequel

But not the ones I heard from since my recent column about snarling snowbirds.

Seems many part-time neighbors are embarrassed for their fellow travelers who sully the proud snowbird nickname. They especially eschew the few who tongue-lash local merchants with demands and incantations that often begin with the words, "Hey, you!"

New examples related to me since the first column:

Several employees of retail stores here tell hilarious tales of snowbirds who try to return stuff they bought on arrival as they're heading home in the spring.

"One family brought in folding beach chairs they bought five months before, demanding a refund," said one store clerk. "They insisted they just bought them and that they were faulty. They seem to think our store is a 'borrow-a-beach-chair' agency."

Maybe the sand in the aluminum hinges caused the "faulty" used chairs to malfunction. An employee of an upscale Naples supermarket has the "lobster tail" version of a story I've heard in one form or another from other grocery workers. The snowbird comes in on a Monday with a lonely lobster tail in a packet that originally held 12 tails.

"These lobster tails were bad, not fresh, and we want a refund." The clerk couldn't help notice that 11 of the 12 tails were missing from the package. He asked the irate lobster lover about that. "Are you calling me a liar?" the liar yelled. "We had guests and had to eat something."

A lot of snowbirds apparently also clean out their condo cupboards before they leave in the spring and return anything unopened to the stores, demanding a full refund on the odd can of beets or some hopelessly out-of-date Ovaltine.

I'm told most stores acquiesce and give the unwarranted refunds to keep the customers quiet and get them out of the store as quickly as possible.

Maybe they should require these pathetic food cheats to process their refunds at a special, clearly labeled "Deadbeat Desk" in the store.

Then the seasonal visitors who don't act like vampires left out in the daylight too long, who don't treat our local servers like Batman's houseboy, can go through regular checkout like everybody else. The freeloaders, whiners, complainers and snots can stand in that long, long line, waiting to demand refunds on old beets, consumed lobster and lawn chairs the owners have been stretching out of shape all season.

Another idea for supermarkets around here:

How about having an aisle or two just for food items that could be characterized as, "Don't taste very good but are less fattening?"

This would save a lot of time for the likes of me.

If the "No Way This is Butter" and the "Gag Me Chemicals Only Chocolate Syrup" were on the same shelf with the "Xeriscape Residue Processed Bread" and the "Organic, Stone Ground Kaopectate," I could be in and out of the store in 10 minutes.

I welcome your experiences, good or bad, as season approaches.

Don Farmer hosts "Gulf Coast Weekend" at noon Saturdays, 3p.m. Sundays, on NewsRadio1660. He's a former CNN anchor and ABC News correspondent. Email: don@gulfcoastweekend.com.