A Pre-Pre-Pre-Christmas Carol

In a few weeks time, he would see his old friends, the Cratchits, for a grand Thanksgiving feast. And how he looked forward to Christmas. Ever since his change of heart, he has held the joy of that blessed day all year round.

The businessman climbed into bed, doused the light and slipped instantly into a deep sleep. But all was not quiet in the cottage, as the grandfather clock down the hall struck midnight.

A voice boomed from out of nowhere, "Scrooge! Wake up, you scoundrel! It is I."

Scrooge nearly fell out of bed, calling in the dim moonlit room, "Who's there?" But even in the darkness, he recognized the haunting voice. It was his visitor from before! "Spirit, why have you returned?" The apparition came forth, a faint glow around him. His tattered robes now sparkled with gold trim and a Nike swoosh symbol on the pocket.

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Present, and I've come to warn you."

Scrooge, now fully awake, replied, "But spirit, I have taken your words to heart. Never again will I be miserly with my money ..."

"Silence! Already you have faltered in your goal to bring holiday cheer to the world. Dec. 25 is but seven weeks away. Where are your blinking light displays? Where are your catalogs?" He paused. "Where is your dancing Santa?"

The old man in his pajamas could scarcely utter a word, when a second apparition appeared. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past," moaned the floating visitor, dressed in a retro-chic suit with dapper hat. "Gaze into the past, and see the folly of your ways."

Scrooge stared into the tiny flat screen of a portable DVD player as it flickered to life in the second ghost's ethereal hand. The time stamp in the corner showed "5-OCT, 3:06 PM." The image of the nearby Wal-Mart appeared, as it zoomed inside the doors of the garden center to reveal Christmas trees, lights and cardboard reindeer. Then, the DVD player disappeared.

"But spirit, what does this mean?" Scrooge asked, gazing in disbelief.

"Wretched fool, it means you've squandered four weeks without decking the halls or trimming trees in holiday finery." The apparition was cross indeed but was instantly eclipsed by yet a third hovering specter, none other than ...

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Future! I see a dire fate for you, Ebenezer." The spirit, in a sleek silver bodysuit, laughed sinisterly. "Come next week, you'll be unable to secure a turkey deep fryer for the Christmas Eve feast, nor will the Segway scooter you ordered for Tiny Tim be available in black, only white or cherry red.

"And, postage for holiday cards will go up 2 cents."

"No-o-o-o-o-o!!" Scrooge could take no more. Why were these spirits tormenting him so? Had he not already learned his most humbling lesson? "It is not too late, miserable procrastinating scamp," chided the Ghost of Christmas Present. "Tonight, you will be visited by three more spirits: the Ghost of Christmas Commercialism, the Ghost of Kwanzaa (who's filling in for the Ghost of Christmas Exploitation) and the Ghost of Martha Stewart."

"Wait, Martha Stewart isn't dead," Scrooge volunteered.

The Ghost of Christmas Past spoke up, "No, but she's getting a head start on her community service. Plus, she's going to show you how to turn your tired old stockings into glitzy showpieces to dazzle even St. Nick."

Scrooge sighed, knowing better than to anger the ghostly guests further. In his heart, he knew they meant well and resigned himself to another journey of self-discovery.

"Very well, spirits, let us explore the True Meaning Beyond the True Meaning of Christmas."

The three specters lined up, snapped their fingers in unison and proclaimed, "Fabulous!" Christmas would be saved again.