Ethics and Civility: Negative self-image fuels need for approval, fear of rejection

You may find it difficult to acknowledge you need approval, and may even consider it a strong word. But if you are honest with yourself, you can identify whether the need and/or craving for approval is powerful in your life. You may be surprised to know this need controls many, many people. When people are truly honest with themselves, many acknowledge they have needed others to love them before they were able to acknowledge and accept themselves.

It is unfortunate that many people don't know they have this need. They go about their daily lives blindly with their time and energy devoted to this futile search for acceptance. If you can identify with this, you can do something about it.

Some people have more approval needs than others. Others may find themselves requiring this need for acceptance only in certain situations.

While you may be able to be assertive at work, you may have a craving for approval when you are with the person you love.

Many years ago I questioned why this is so. In our work or public life, it seems, it is easier for us to hide our need behind our position or role.

However, after we have been with a love partner for some time, we find it very difficult to hide behind a role.

Thus, we become very vulnerable to our partner's criticism and strive hard for his or her approval.

It is difficult to truly look at ourselves as being controlled by the need for approval. We are not an island unto ourselves. Thus, we need to get along with others and negotiate situations. Many become lost, though, in this need for approval in intimate relationships.

A negative self-image seems to be the main culprit robbing us of our independence through this need for approval.

It is important, then, that we begin by looking honestly at ourselves and how we think of ourselves. Naturally, if we think of ourselves as worthless or unlovable, we fear rejection. When we fear rejection, we behave in ways to protect ourselves from it. This in turn directs us into a negative way of life -- having this strong need to protect ourselves from rejection so we can receive acceptance and approval.

So we fall into the need for approval at any price.

Pay attention to yourself. If you notice some of these traits, work on changing your concept of yourself. Feel free to come to my free group at 10:30 a.m. each Friday at the United Church of Marco Island for additional help. Of course, counseling is most helpful -- as well as hypnotherapy, which reaches to the heart of what compels us to do what we do, thus changing our needs and behavior.

Keep in mind: This is the only life you have. Free yourself to be the person you were created to be. You can begin today.

Carolyn Katchmar is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Flori da, and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. You can address questions to: Ethics & Civility, Marco Island Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.