Ethics and Civility: Respecting your teenager's privacy is very important

Usually my first response is with a question, "Why would you want to do that?"

My approach may seem controversial to some parents.

However, I believe in respecting a teen's privacy. The information I am providing here is based on my 25-plus years of counseling experience, as well as following the research in this area.

I suggest parents teach their children about trust. It is strange, but all adults want trust and respect from their children. However, they don't seem to show their children the same trust and respect. I believe all of us learn the best from good examples. I recommend talking with your children from little on about respect and trust. As they learn about trust, they will feel much better about themselves.

A recent university study indicated that teens had fewer problems when their parents respected their privacy. Think back to when you were a child.

You most probably had your own little spot in the home. You may have had to share a room, as my children did. But they each had their own space.

Teens are more likely to feel trusted and respected when they feel secure in their own space. This means their physical, as well as emotional and psychological space is not violated. Your teen will learn to feel confident and competent in having this trust. Having this will let them experience some independence. I have found whenever this is able to occur, there is less fighting with their parents for independence. They are more likely to open up and talk more freely about themselves. The more your teen tells you, the more you will know about him and thus, are in a better position to judge how well he is doing.

I know you are asking, "does that mean I can never check on my teen?" Of course not. There will be times when your teen is giving indications that he is not being honest with you. Being a trusting parent does not mean that you are oblivious of what is going on with him. However, until this occurs, continue to keep open communication.

When your teen feels safe and can confide in you, there is no reason to sneak around behind your back.

I have written other columns about being aware of any signs of drug or alcohol use. A parent that spends time with their children will be highly alerted when they see a change occurring. Be observant of any physical changes, as well as emotional withdrawal from you. Keep informed of the friends your teen is keeping company with, as well as the friend's parents.

When your teen has proven he is trustworthy, allow more areas of privacy in his life. He will learn to think more for him self and to take on more responsibility for his own life.

The underlying key is in providing the trust for your child to be open and truthful with you at all times. I believe our own fears and anxieties get in our way and we invade their privacy too quickly.

Carolyn Katchmar is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida, and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. You can address questions to: Ethics & Civility, Marco Island Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.