Brent Batten: Internet spy program would find writer on job

Seeing as how this is a clear affront to my right to use my employer-provided computer to conduct my own business and fulfill my own idle curiosity and dark desires whilst being paid, I thought I'd better explain a few things.

Looks can be deceiving. An Internet cop looking over my virtual shoulder could get the wrong impression.

By trade, I am a seeker of information.

So what appears to a newfangled Internet tracking device to be a frivolous waste of time might actually be the research into a prize-winning column.

For example: Readers in affluent communities such as Naples love stories about travel to romantic destinations. And when they get there, they want to know where to stay. So all that recent activity on my computer regarding Paris Hilton was merely an attempt to find suitable lodging for subscribers planning a trip to France. Oddly enough, based on video available online, the rooms aren't all that spacious. And for a place known as The City of Light, it seems pretty dark. But I must say, the room service appears to be exquisite.

Another for instance: More than 30 years after their break-up, The Beatles remain a source of fascination in Southwest Florida. For evidence, look no further than the exhibit of photographs from "A Hard Day's Night" in Bonita Springs a few weeks ago.

So what better topic for an article than the re-release of a classic Beatles album? I've spent much time, as Internet spy software will no doubt attest, researching "Let It Be ... Naked," a remastering of the Beatles final album. The sort of exhaustive inquiry needed for this type of piece explains the Google searches involving the word "naked" that have been showing up on my activities log. Frequently. Over a period of years. And OK, Carmen Electra wasn't married to a Beatle. It was an honest mistake.Gambling is an insidious problem that can ruin lives and reputations. Endeavoring to find out more about the proliferation of this plague, I've spent many a workday afternoon in the shadowy world of online gaming.

The electronic taskmasters at the corporate office will be happy to know that not only have I gained expertise that may one day lead to a fascinating article on the phenomenon, I've also earned them High Roller and Platinum Club status at a number of e-casinos. That company credit card works nicely in conjunction with the company laptop, as far as the casinos are concerned.

It is said a true artist must suffer. Being a writer, and writers being artists, it is therefore important that a certain amount of pain be part of my craft. That explains what may appear at first to be a superfluous use of company resources. Those fantasy sports sites bookmarked onto my company computer aren't there for my enjoyment, but for my suffering. And if you followed my teams, you'd recognize the true depth of said suffering. Breakout year for Keyshawn Johnson. Right.

So while others may dread the advent of Internet monitoring by their employers, I welcome it. I might even get a column out of it someday.

Brent Batten is a columnist for the Naples Daily News. To contact Brent, e-mail him at bebatten@naplesnews.com.