Brent Batten: Who's going to win an Oscar?

This makes me uniquely qualified (unique in that I clearly don't know what I'm talking about but intend to do so anyway) to make predictions.

In the Best Actor Category, I watched "Lost in Translation," for which Bill Murray is nominated. It is possibly the most boring movie ever made. Murray is one of the funniest people on the planet so for him to be so not funny for so long (102 minutes. I know. I was counting every one) he must have turned in a great performance. I'm giving the Oscar to Murray.

Best Actress: Guys get nervous when a woman as beautiful as Charlize Theron starts putting on weight for a role. What if she can't take it off? But by the various paparazzi shots coming out of Hollywood, she's got her calendar-girl figure back. Still, the practice ought not be encouraged. And I've heard people say that "Something's Gotta Give" is actually very funny. This rules out Diane Keaton.

So give the award to Naomi Watts, for her role in "21 Grams." Based on the title, it sounds dark and depressing, which is a positive sign.

Best Supporting Actor: Alec Baldwin, nominated for his part in "The Cooler," is always good. But Tim Robbins of "Mystic River" can be counted on for a better anti-Bush tirade. So pencil him in as your winner.

Best Supporting Actress: Here I like Shohreh Aghdashloo of "House of Sand and Fog." Too many people have seen "Mystic River" and "Cold Mountain" to make either Marcia Gay Harden or Renee Zellweger the pick. When an unknown performer is nominated in a movie ignored by the masses, you've got yourself an Oscar winner.

Best Director: From the trailers I've viewed, "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World" looks to be an epic movie of global proportions beautifully filmed using grand ships of the Napoleonic era, elaborate costumes and complex cinematic techniques. Therefore, Peter Weir, its director, has no chance.

Expect Sofia Coppola to win for "Lost in Translation." She struck just the right balance of Bill Murray not being funny and film of Tokyo at night to wow the Oscar voters.

Best Picture: I saw "Seabiscuit." Nice movie with an uplifting message and dramatic race footage. I'd watch it again, which is the kiss of death.

I can't imagine anyone over 13 who sat through the first two parts of the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy would bother seeing the third, the Oscar-nominated "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King." How much "Legolas, elf of Mirkwood, must travel with the Rohirrim to Minas Tirith to protect Eowyn and Edoras from Saruman in order for Middle Earth to triumph over the Uruk-hai. Unless of course he is stranded in the Fangorn Forest on his way to Helm's Deep in which case Bilbo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee will have to slay Wormtongue" can a person take? It's just too silly. Which is why it is almost sure to win.

One final prediction: When next year's Oscars roll around, I won't know what I'm talking about then, either.

E-mail Brent Batten at bebatten@naplesnews.com. To order "Batten 100," a compilation of some of Brent Batten's best humor columns, visit http://web.naplesnews.com/batten/. The book is also available at area bookstores.