Ethics & Civility: Each partner must take responsibility for fixing marriage

When we were young, most of us had something we wanted to do with our lives, something we wanted to pursue. At some point while pursuing that goal or career, we encountered another person to whom we were so attracted that his or her love superseded all other ambitions.

So we undertook a new life project. We saw this person as different from the other people we had dated.

Little by little, we decided that the No. 1 item on our agenda would be to sustain and improve the life and happiness of this person. We had so much love that his or her good took precedence even over our own desires and dreams. We had no doubt that this was the one for us.

What happens when people get married? It's been said that people who get married do something that really interferes with their plan — they marry a human!

The reality is that things happen that get in the way of our plans. Unexpected circumstances cause interruptions in our lives, and the connection suffers. Early on we may find it is not as easy as it once was to experience the love that came so easily. Other emotions conflict with the love we once were so sure of. As other conflicts occur, we discover aspects of our partner that we did not see before. The "warts" begin to show, and we don't like it.

Couples often say they used to be able to discuss issues and had no problems. Now they have become very opinionated.

For example, a husband may tell his wife that things should be done his way because his way is better. The wife naturally doesn't like being talked to in this manner. This infuriates her because she is reminded of being a child and lectured to by her parents. She feels resentment, and a small wall begins to build between them.

Soon, love becomes something they have to work on to keep alive. Sometimes the relationship may be taking its last breath, and they need to resuscitate it through hard work. Unfortunately, they rarely know what the issues are that require the focus of their work.

Couples are quick to point a finger at each other for relationship problems. When they come to me for counseling with their list of conflicts, I have them look at their responsibility in how the situation got to that point. It is important for both people to do a personal inventory and look at what they did or didn't do to reach this situation.

Then they can look at what they can do to improve the situation.

Blaming the other person and expecting him or her to change will not work. Al-Anon has a saying: "Change begins with me." I have a mirror plaque in my office that says, "You are looking at the person responsible for your happiness." I truly believe that.

Many times I find that couples had unrealistic expectations of marriage. Their planned "dream life" was much different from the reality of living so closely with another person. It is difficult for a marriage to work when there are unrealistic expectations.

Face the fact that being in a marriage is naturally going to bring about conflict. There are two strong forces coming together. When you work to resolve conflicts, fight fairly and set your goal for a win-win situation. When one person wins and the other loses, it creates another problem.