Mind Matters: Don't overlook your own needs while caring for a loved one

As promised, this week I offer a few true stories of people who survived and grew from their caregiving experiences. They saw these experiences as opportunities to contribute to others.

One man began a new career as a result of his mother-in-law's broken ankle, which required her to stay with his family for six weeks. Her incapacitation was very difficult for everyone and there was no outside help.

He assumed many others had similar problems and created a monthly eight-page newsletter, The Caregiver's Home Companion, and a free weekly e-mail, The Caregiver's Hotline. Both of these resources offer a lot of helpful information and encouragement.

In another situation, a nurse with a successful law practice took care of her aging mother.

She, too, recognized the lack of available resources for families with ill or aging relatives.

She also understood the difficulties of trying to coordinate resources to meet each person's needs.

As a result, she founded Aging Matters LLC, a company whose mission is to help clients find the best services and locations to meet their specific needs.

Caregivers are overwhelmed and confused by the sudden changes thrust upon them when illness strikes. There is the enormity of medical appointments, phone calls, medical bills and costs, prescriptions, dosages and other endless demands. Suddenly one's life revolves around hospitals, nursing homes and doctor appointments. Time for a normal daily routine does not exist.

Caregivers need a lot of support, understanding and help.

However, they often don't realize it or are afraid to admit it or ask for help. When illness is prolonged, caregivers need regular breaks. These can be obtained through agencies that provide respite care.

Respite is provided for a few hours or days, by either in-home care or temporary placement elsewhere. It is better to use respite than to become ill or overly resentful.

What can caregivers do to keep their own batteries charged, to not succumb to exhaustion and hopelessness?

First, do not feel guilty. Too many caregivers struggle with feelings of frustration, anger and discouragement. There are support groups where these emotions can be aired and shared. Knowing you are not alone is very comforting.

Check your local newspaper to find a group.

If possible, arrange for regular breaks at least once a week, but preferably every day. You will still need to keep your own medical, dental and other appointments, as well as maintain a household.

Be creative. Make a rotating list of friends and relatives who would be willing to take over for an hour, a day or more. Take care of your own needs and pamper yourself with a weekly massage, a daily walk or dinner with a best friend.

I realize that many caregivers believe they cannot do even these simple things, but you must meet your own needs to survive. A wonderful metaphor is the instruction given on every airline flight: In case of emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first, then help your neighbor.

Your task is extremely demanding emotionally and physically, and unless you charge your batteries, you will become ineffective.

Anyone can become a caregiver tomorrow. Be prepared to take care of yourself so you can be there for your loved one.