My Life So Far: Ann Bechtol, Ms. Naples

About five years ago Ann Bechtol, a 37-year-old bookkeeper, walked away from an abusive marriage, taking her 11- and 7-year-old children with her. Bechtol talks here, in her own words, about that life, about what happens after you leave and how becoming Ms. Naples -- and maybe even Ms. Florida this weekend — might help some high school kids avoid the same fate.

I grew up in a small, small town. There were 84 kids in my graduating class. I’m from Minnesota originally. Thirteen years ago, I came down to Naples on a vacation with two high friends. We put money down on an apartment, went home, got our stuff and moved down.

I moved here at the end of July, beginning of August of 1993. I met him at the end of September.

He is very nice, charming and very good looking. Anyone who meets him likes him. (Today) he’ll be nice to me out of the blue and I find myself being nice to him.

We had eight years together. The first six years were pretty good.

I look back and there were so many warning signs. You want the relationship to work, but this happen and this happens and bells should go off.

He was financially abusive, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive. He raged, but never at the kids. He always came back the next day and apologized. “It’ll never happen again.”

Domestic violence doesn’t have any demographic whatsoever.

He came over for dinner one night (after the first split) and the look on the kids’ face. They were so happy to have Daddy home, even for dinner. He was charming. He hadn’t been drinking. He was doing good in anger management. I took him back. Of course, it all went to (expletive).

I had no money. I was just scraping by to keep my house. I got to the point that I saved enough money to file for divorce. We were living in the same house while it went through.

I would pray when I turned down the street, please don’t be there, please don’t be there. I just didn’t want to deal with him.

Photo by DAVID AHNTHOLZ, Daily News

Ann Bechtol emerged from an abusive marriage eventually to become Ms. Naples. This weekend, she is competing for the Ms. Florida title in Orlando.

My father encouraged me to go to the shelter, to get some counseling. Talking to someone there was like lifting a huge weight off. I hadn’t really talked to anyone before that.

I’m not seeing a therapist right now. There’s just not enough time in the day.

The biggest thing has been for me to talk about it. It’s embarrassing. How could you be so stupid to get into this situation? You weren’t raised that way. How could I do that? Nobody wants to advertise their husband is abusive. And it’s not like I’d come home and he’d beat me up every day. There are so many forms of abuse. It’s was mainly the verbal abuse, some pushing and shoving.

Growing up in a small town, we didnt have any of that. Domestic violence.

I was in West Palm Beach? ... Palm Beach? ... visiting friends and the news was playing the 911 tape in a domestic violence murder. It was word for word my first 911 call. Like, “go into the bathroom, get into the bathroom.” What she (the victim) was saying, was what I was saying. Then all of the sudden I heard this bang. The husband broke down the door and shot her. I broke down. There were so many death threats. I could so have been there. I was so lucky that I’m here, here to raise my kids. You know how easily that could have been me? I don’t want to think. I realized that I had all that anger, that hurt pent up inside.

Breaking down helped a lot.

Ever since I was a little kid I was always been such a happy person. Happy go lucky. ... I was closed off to anyone, very standoffish that first year, year and half after the divorce. ... They say time heals all wounds. The more time went on the more confident I became.

My boyfriend calls me Miss Individual, Miss Independent. Yeah, I am. I have a hard time accepting help. It makes me uncomfortable. It’s, like, “Oh, my God, I’m dependent on this person.” It was very, very hard to trust him. It’s been almost a year and a half probably taken this long to actually believe I have a partner. He’s very giving.

I don’t think I could handle another person around all the time, judging me, judging the way I raise my children. Not that he does.

I was in the Mrs. Florida pageant 10 years ago and I met a wonderful young lady named Pam Bolter. She became the director of the Florida United States Pageant system. I had talked with her about getting involved with the pageant over the past couple of years. I knew I needed the cause to be domestic violence, but couldn’t talk about it. They kept asking me each year to enter and every year I said, I don’t think I’m ready yet. I healed a lot. This year I think I can do it. The (Ms. Florida) pageant is June 2-4 at the Helen Stairs Theatre in Sanford, Fl.

You know, one in four women will be abused in their lifetime.

There are so many programs out there. I want to get the message out. Next school year I’m going into the high schools and sharing my experience with the girls there. I’m hoping to win the state title so that I spread that message across the state.

I’m very sad that I have a broken family. I’m very sad that it was what it was. But you have to let it go. Every time I talk about it that much more I let it go. If I can help anyone at all get through what I was going through or prevent them from it, it’s all worth it. Well, it’s not all worth it, but you know what I mean.

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You can reach Mobley-Martinez at tmmartinez@naplesnews.com.