Mind Matters: Kindness should not come at the cost of one's own well being

A simple yet profound comment by one of my clients sparked the motivation for this week's column.

"Graciousness isn't martyrdom," she said.

What an interesting way to describe a form of behavior that accompanies codependence; being gracious when it would feel better to do otherwise. It was an awakening that offered graciousness when it feels right, when it comes from the heart. The ability to be true to oneself sometimes challenges the best of us but is almost impossible for a codependent individual.

In codependence conflict must be avoided at all costs and approval is a vital lifeline, so a constant effort is made to always be pleasant and agreeable even when it goes against the grain, despite inconvenience or exhaustion.

Guilt is another price paid for not making heroic efforts.

Such effort drains energy, but the individual in martyr-like fashion continues to do whatever is necessary to please.

What happened with my client is that she had a sudden insight. She realized when she is tired and hungry from working too hard taking care of others, she should and must stop to rest, eat and take whatever time is necessary to recuperate. Failure to do so ultimately will result in fatigue, tension and resentment toward those whose approval she so sorely wants.

She saw clearly that to be available to care for others, she must first take care of herself.

She had been feeling like an unappreciated martyr for a long time. It was she who wasn't appreciating herself.

Graciousness is different from extreme sacrifice. It comes from authentic concern, rather than a need for approval or fear of conflict. Graciousness is a choice; it isn't mandatory and is given freely with no strings attached. The martyr hopes for a return gift, preferably in the form of appreciation, approval, peace or freedom from guilt.

Changing lifelong patterns can be a challenge. We want to protect ourselves, not recognizing that our protective behaviors may be unhealthy or harm ful. For example, people become extremely anxious if a boss or spouse is expecting something of them. They consistently put the demands of others ahead of their own needs, frequently skipping meals and sacrificing sleep, all to feel emotionally safe. To honor their own needs will initially make them very anxious and uncomfortable.

To overcome these adaptive behaviors one must make a strong commitment to oneself.

It is not selfish to put one's own needs first. To make a contribution takes energy that only comes from keeping our own batteries charged. We maintain our energy by attending carefully to our basic needs of food, sleep and relaxation. Then we have something to give, and we can give it freely and gracious ly, without feeling martyred or resentful.

Anxiety is the warning sign.

Too often we assume anxiety has an external cause. The truth is it also can be a powerful indicator that we are not being true to ourselves, that something is amiss within. Perhaps we're trying too hard to be gracious when we haven't taken enough time to refuel. No one can run on empty, nor should one have to try.