Ethics & Civility: Couples ought to plan how to discipline children in advance

Over the years I have written quite a few articles about parenting, parenting styles and discipline. Yet I don't believe enough can be said about the importance of parents making decisions early in life as to how they want to discipline their children.

Quite often, I find that by the time parents come in for help, they are in the bitter throes of teenage battles and resentment of discipline, as well as contradictory ideas of the parents. While help can be provided at this time, it could have been much simpler for everyone if there had been some previous discussion between the parents of how they believed the most effective discipline would be in the various situations they might encounter.

While we cannot predict every situation that may come up, most parents have some idea of the problems their child might experience. Some usual disciplinary conflicts I am referring to include eating behaviors, bedtime hours, television, computer time, study habits, school responsibilities, curfews and driving privileges.

One of the best times to talk about how to discipline children is when couples are engaged. It is extremely beneficial to find out before marriage if you have some serious differences in your relationship regarding having children and/or parenting and or discipline styles.

One of the purposes of the engagement period is to make sure that various areas of issues of togetherness, religious beliefs, children, discipline, money and the like are discussed and are agreed upon.

Unfortunately, too many people only think of that time as being time to plan their wedding.

If the issue of discipline is not discussed at that time, by all means it should be done as soon as a couple finds out they are expecting. This is what I call early intervention. It is a great time to learn about what is happening in the development of that precious little one and to put some serious consideration and discussion into how you are going to nurture and guide that child in the early years with love and discipline.

Parents who do not agree on discipline often have a tough time in their marriage. This can occur when one parent is very strict — perhaps too strict for the age of the child and situation. The other parent likely feels sorry for the child and feels the way the discipline was handled was wrong, thus intercepting and getting in the way.

Unfortunately, sometimes this disagreement is acted upon in front of the child. This can bring up anger and resentment between husband and wife, which puts up walls in their relationship. In turn, this cheats couples out of an intimate emotional relationship.

Unfortunately, when parents do not agree on the discipline, it is the child who suffers.

Children are very alert and perceive what is happening. I don't know many children who do not want what they want and want it now! Usually, they will do whatever they need to do to get it. This is teaching the child to be manipulative instead of learning to cope with the discipline that was given.

Children are going to find that decisions in life are not always going to be fair or go their way. They need to be able to learn how to handle these situations, grow and mature as a result of them.

I advocate being proactive and staying a step ahead of situations that could possibly be encountered. In this way, as a couple, parents are prepared as they enter the various stages of their child's developmental issues. The child will learn through your love and guidance. Help your children, think proactively and discipline with love!

Carolyn Katchmar is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. You can address questions to: Ethics & Civility, Marco Island Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.