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Ed Brodow has been a friend for a long time. He always makes me laugh. Maybe it’s that fun-loving, free-wheeling spirit, that also makes him such an effective negotiator.

Ed is the author of “Negotiation Boot Camp: How to resolve conflict, satisfy customers, and make better deals.” Ed and I share a common negotiation philosophy: that a negotiation is about solving problems, pursuing opportunities and creating or preserving relationships.

It’s not about licking your chops and destroying your enemy.

A negotiation is also a game, that is really fun, when you know how to play it — always by the rules, yet, with creativity, curiosity and commitment.

I’ve had the benefit of Ed’s insights for years. Now, so will you. Here are excerpts from a recent conversation:

Jeff Blackman: Where does “negotiation power” come from?

Ed Brodow: Power is subjective. If you feel powerful, you are. This is often reflected in your willingness to walk away from a negotiation. Never negotiate without options. When you recognize you have alternatives to making a deal, you’re no longer under pressure. Your willingness to do something else will be picked-up by the other negotiator’s radar and they’ll realize that they, not you, will have to provide the concessions.

JB: What do effective negotiators do before, during, and after a negotiation to maximize results and the relationship?

EB: If you want a win-win negotiation, which is a non-confrontational relationship where both sides get their needs met, then:

1. Change your behavior from adversarial to cooperative; i.e., treat the other negotiator like a partner. If they’re rude or difficult, don’t mirror their negative behavior. Try to understand their motivation.

2. Develop trust by listening.

3. Explore options for mutual satisfaction. Brainstorm possible outcomes. Work together.

JB: How do “good negotiators” or those with “skills” test each other?

EB: By opening with an “extreme position” — one that’s better than the outcome even desired. Buyers open by offering less than they’re willing to pay. Sellers open with a higher asking price than they’re willing to accept. Yet most people have a “victim mentality” where they allow themselves to be used, hoodwinked, and exploited by others. When you act like a victim, you give away your negotiating power. The opposite is the “confidence mystique” where you give signals you’re in charge and know what you’re doing. You can begin to develop it today by making intelligent decisions and acting confidently. Others actually value and appreciate confidence.

JB: What are the must-have skills to master as a negotiator?

EB: First, develop “negotiation consciousness.” Where appropriate, be assertive and challenge everything. When someone tells you to behave in a certain way or to believe certain alleged facts, be proactive and challenge their assumptions. Second, listen. Third, ask probing open-ended questions. Fourth, have high aspirations. Successful negotiators are optimists. They expect to do well. Fifth, be patient. Americans especially, want to negotiate quickly. Patience rewards.

JB: What role if any does “pressure” serve?

EB: The most important question to ask in any negotiation is: What’s the pressure on the other side? Why do they need to make the deal? It’s human nature to exaggerate our problems instead of realizing, “They’ve got the problems and pressure.” If you focus on their pressure, you’ll uncover your power. If you focus on your pressure, it’ll backfire.

JB: How do you then make sure, you’re “creating satisfaction”?

EB: Satisfaction means my basic needs have been met. It doesn’t mean you have to give-in to all my demands. The best way to convey a sense of satisfaction is to let me do most of the talking. Let me think it was all my idea. Giving minor concessions is another good way to create satisfaction. A minor concession is one that doesn’t cost you a lot, but one I really appreciate.

Next week, more of Brodow’s beliefs and negotiation knowledge on topics like problem-solving, value and creativity.

Until then, be sure to take a peek at www.brodow.com.

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Jeff Blackman is a speaker, author, success coach, broadcaster and lawyer who lives part-time on Marco Island. His clients call him a “business-growth specialist.” Send an e-mail to jeff@jeffblackman.com or go to www.jeffblackman.com to subscribe to his free e-letter.