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There are more people offering tips for holiday travelers this year than there are actually holiday travelers.

Every media outlet from Drape World to Court TV has some perky frequent traveler giving us their top 10 tips or 17 scariest travel traps or the 145 ways planes can malfunction, trains can be days late, busses can break down and cars can pile up.

Allow me to offer a few kinder, gentler travel tips, with generous help from an old friend, California columnist and curmudgeon John Corcoran. The information below comes in part from John, sort of an early Christmas gift. He’s the funny one!

When airports are jammed, double-check everything. Last year we were flying home to Naples when Delta’s check-in guy asked to see our passports. He was sending our bags to Naples, Italy! Also, heading to Salt Lake City, our bags were tagged for Santiago, Chile, whose airport code is SCL. Salt Lake City’s is SLC.

From John:

— On packing for a holiday trip: First thing into your suitcase should be Fat Pants.

— Your wife, or you if you’re the wife, will beg to put “just a few things” into your suitcase — hair dryer, ottoman and spiked heel collection.

— There is no food served on airliners, so if you wish to eat, bring a live chicken and a Zippo. Pluck the bird and soon you’ll be eating chicken wings while envious fellow passengers watch.

— Pack your underwear inside your shoes.

A security person might question the latter, as in “Sir, why are you hiding your tidy whiteys in your shoes?” but you can explain that it’s to save space. He might reply, skeptically, “But now your briefs smell like old tennis shoes!” to which your answer should be, “Hey, they wouldn’t fit in my wife’s spike heels.” That should render him speechless and you can proceed to the gate.

Back to the original packing regimen, you need to know what items to carry on and what to pack in your checked luggage.

First tip on this subject is, don’t check any luggage, or at least don’t check anything you’ll need the first few days of your trip.

The New York Times reports that one in every 138 checked bags was lost during the first nine months of this year. By the end of the year, almost five million bags will have been misplaced, although relatively few are lost for good.

Once more, from John: Due to safety concerns, union regulations and Devil worship, airlines are not permitted to tell you at which carousel your luggage will fail to arrive. Instead of waiting or asking someone, grab the first piece of luggage you spot at the first carousel you encounter and scoot for the door! Chances are the new luggage has better stuff than what you brought. This also saves you from waiting for your suitcase, which is being snitched off a carousel in Guam anyway. You won’t get caught because airlines stopped checking years ago due to corporate religious beliefs that lower profits.

If you intend to carry more than three ounces of shampoo on your trip, you must be using a brand no longer sold in virtually every retail outlet in the western world. Still, put it in your checked bag if any.

John says, this makes the world safe from Prell-carrying terrorists who otherwise would shampoo innocent flight crews into surrender.

Happy traveling! And for more fun, check out John Corcoran’s humor. His email is corkczar@aol.com

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Chris Curle is a former news anchor for CNN and for ABC TV stations in Atlanta, Houston and Washington, D.C. E-mail: chris@chriscurle.com.