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When alcoholism became recognized as a disease, treatment programs started to include addressing the problems of the family members of an alcoholic or substance abuser as well as the alcoholic or substance abuser. Unfortunately, prior to this time, the treatment professionals did not recognize that the substance abuser had a profound effect on family members and the need for the family to receive help.

Most people are aware of the term codependency. This concept originated after an assessment as to how non-alcoholic family members were affected by the alcoholism or substance abuse of their family member. Later on, this term included the emotionally dysfunctional family as well.

In dysfunctional families, it’s natural for family members to care for and be affected by the member who has a substance abuse or serious behavior problem. As these problems become more serious and unresolved, the family members become more affected and react intensely.

In the early part of my professional career, I had a desire to learn more about alcohol and drugs. I don’t know where this came from, as I had not given it any thought during my college years when I was a single parent of three small children. However, I am forever grateful for following this desire and for what I learned in the volunteer work I did at St. Anthony’s Medical Center in St. Louis, Missouri. This was a treatment facility for alcoholism and drug addiction that was over one-hour drive each way from where I lived. To be a volunteer I needed to be involved in ALANON. While I had grown up in a somewhat dysfunctional family, I was completely unaware of much of what had been going on in my family. In my introduction to ALANON my eyes and mind were totally opened.

Then behold, within the next year, I was confronted by one of my adult children needing help. This was one of my ‘kids’ that I thought was going to do exceptionally well. However, I was confronted with this child needing help financially to be bailed out of a situation. All had occurred because as it was explained to me by my daughter, “I was having fun and sharing what I had with my friends.” This adult child had shared nearly $20,000 of her college money for a fun time with her friends doing cocaine! She had been careless and was not watching the amount of money in her account. When I confronted her, she very persuasively put me off with, “Gee, mom, just because you are a counselor and have just learned about addictions, you think I have a problem. Don’t they teach you about believing your kids? I don’t have a problem”.

Well, I stayed strong in what I had learned in my volunteer work as well as in ALANON. I detached emotionally with love and was able to see more clearly what was needed. I must add, that I occasionally needed to take a break from talking with her and go to my supportive husband and tell him to help me be strong and to not give in!

This adult child finally agreed to get the care she needed and was admitted for professional help in a hospital setting. Later on, she transferred to a half-way house and then came home with a written agreement (contract) of what was expected. I accompanied her to a few AA meetings, where she introduced me as ‘her mom who cared enough to be tough with her. And for that she would be forever thankful!”

This individual, my mature adult child, is now happily married with her own beautiful family. We continue to be very close as mother-daughter and yet as friends, for she knows I have the ability and the courage to be the mom.

It is with sadness though, as I reflect upon so many families being affected who do not understand the emotional pulls that persuade them to go contrary to their intellect, which persuades them to enable the substance abuser to continue on with their addiction. Recovering alcoholics have shared that the family member truly needs the help for they are actually sicker than the addict because they are living in the chaos of their loved one without being sedated or anesthetized.

If you have concerns, please do yourself a favor and consult someone who is trained in the addictions field or seek information through AA or ALANON. You will learn ways to make some sense out of the chaos you may be living in and choose options that will be beneficial for you.

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.