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I recently came across a book written by Jacqueline Marcell entitled “Elder Rage or Take My Father … Please!” This is a very interesting and well written book about how she cared for her frail mother and her rebellious 85-year old father who had Alzheimer’s.

Since I have quite a few clients who are caring for an elderly spouse or parent who are showing signs of dementia, I decided to share just a few ideas from her book as to how to cope with some confusing or difficult behaviors.

Naturally, we want to do all we can for our loved ones. However, the elderly, especially when there is some dementia, can be quite demanding. Therefore, it’s important to set reasonable limits to let them know when you are and when you are not available. Marcell cautions you to be careful that you are not manipulated.

It’s not unusual for your loved one to want your full-time attention. The earlier you can get them involved in activities outside the home the better. The best thing you can do for your loved one is to get their brain stimulated with outside activity. They need to be with others to keep busy and alert. Once they go, they may say they hate it. However, it’s important to continue to encourage them. They will eventually make new friends and will look forward to new activities. Thus, you will have a large weight lifted from your shoulders.

Remember to keep the focus on the positive things you can do for your loved one and assertively set your boundaries. Don’t let your emotions get in the way of your better judgment. Encourage any positive behavior your loved one is showing with some type of reward with possibly a smile or a hug, etc. If their behavior is negative you may want to walk away from them.

If your loved one is exaggerating and making up lies, that may be efforts to get your attention and sympathy. Your loved one is very confused and these are desperate actions to get control or for your continued support. They may desperately crave your physical affection but are unable to ask for it. When you recognize the lie, there is no need to win the argument with the truth. Instead, Jacqueline advocates you do not play that game with them. Calmly let them know you are aware they are wanting to get more attention and that you will not tolerate it and that you cannot be manipulated.

Does your loved one prefer to stay in bed all day and prefer to do nothing? This could be a sign of depression or it could be a way of getting attention. Discuss Melatonin with their medical doctor which may help your loved one sleep at night. Don’t make it easy for the loved one to sleep in; make noise, put on the music, start the washing machine, etc. It’s important your loved one get sunlight. It is easy in Florida to help them by opening drapes and windows and letting in the sunshine! Control the amount of caffeine or chocolate your loved one gets in the evening. It’s also important that their medical doctor check the over the counter and prescribed medications to evaluate any counter-indications.

If your loved one becomes paranoid or suspicious she recommends you acknowledge their feelings by letting them know how awful that must feel and assure them you love them. Make them feel assured and supported. Do not argue with them. Contact their medical doctor. If their doctor is not concerned, contact a geriatric neurologist or psychiatrist for an evaluation. These fears can be reduced with proper medication.

When your loved one is experiencing problems with increased memory loss, she recommends displaying large direction signs with easy to follow instructions, i.e. “Brush Teeth … Turn off Stove … Lock Door.” A large red “Stop Sign” on the exit door may also help prevent them from going out unsupervised.

The Alzheimer’s Association is available for a referral to a geriatric dementia specialist. Drugs, such as Aricept, Exelon, Razadyne, Memantine, and Vitamin E. therapy are available; inquire about them.

You can receive a free book by Frank Boyles, Athletic Director of University of Arkansas Razorbacks, who recently challenged the art of caring for his late wife with Alzheimer’s disease. You can call 800-272-3900 or go on line to www.alz.org.

There is a monthly Alzheimer’s Support Group that meets on Marco Island on the third Friday of the month at 10 a.m. in the back room of the Orion Bank. There is also a monthly support group that meets on the last Wednesday of the month at 3 p.m. at Barrington Terrace (formerly Heron House) on the East Trail. There is also a local Parkinson’s support group on the Island. Call 254-7791 for more information.

If you are helping someone with a form of dementia or Alzheimer’s it’s important that you do not isolate yourself. Reach out and get support either through a group or counseling.

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.