MIND MATTERS: Rules are made to be broken

Life is full of rules and laws. Without them social and political stability would be tremendously compromised and many societies would exist in anarchy, so we have governments to enforce laws. We also have spiritual and religious leaders to interpret moral rules and lead us in matters of conscience.

Most of us wish to live good lives so abide by these laws and rules to the best of our ability. We make occasional errors, stretch the rules, forgive ourselves and move on.

For some individuals however, that seems impossible. You may know a person who is not only scrupulously obedient, but imprisoned by fear of erring. Worrying about the “what-ifs” is a constant preoccupation.

Certain people are so afraid of disapproval that they make no decisions without agonizing over all possible consequences. They second guess themselves at every turn. In some instances they were severely criticized by overly strict parents and carried the fear of dreaded consequences into adulthood. What will the boss think? What will my spouse do? How will my friends react? What will everyone and anyone who might be remotely involved in my life think? I am a good person and my worst fear is that someone might think otherwise.

Imagine being afraid to never take a chance. It would mean never crossing the street without a traffic signal, never driving even a bit too fast, never doing anything the least bit wrong. It would mean relinquishing the right to make a choice simply because it feels right or might be fun. A scrupulous rule follower cannot allow feelings to enter into any decisions, and eventually loses contact with the inner self. S/he doesn’t really know him/her self, what they really like and dislike. Any potential for compassion toward self and others gets lost in a need to follow the “shoulds.”

Such painful self-scrutiny is paralyzing. It takes away joy, spontaneity, laughter. How much fun can you have when constantly worrying about doing the “right thing?”

This does not mean that one should deliberately break rules and laws. Criminal activities cannot be condoned. However, anyone obsessed by the need to follow every rule to the letter is not really free. Driving on the Interstate is a good example. Speeding is unsafe but if every car on the road is going 10 miles per hour over the speed limit it may be safer to risk driving a bit faster. It would be a case of trusting your own judgment.

I have seen many examples in the medical field where an obedient rule follower would not fare well. What if you wake up in the middle of the night with a severe pain in your stomach and decide to ignore it because you don’t want to disturb the doctor or anyone else? In other words, you don’t want anyone angry or annoyed with you. You wait until morning, finally see a physician and by that time you have a ruptured appendix that could have been prevented. Or you take a prescription home from the pharmacy, find it looks different and are reluctant to call the druggist because he might be upset with you? You take the pill anyway and have a strange effect because it was in fact an error. Was it worth the risk? Why not choose to risk taking care of yourself?

We must obey the law but in real life some flexibility is essential. Life is not black and white; gray areas abound. Ability to accept the gray while maintaining integrity can be a real challenge for some. If you have only experienced the blacks and whites you owe it to yourself to lighten up and notice a little gray.

Each of us has a voice of inner wisdom that when listened to, turns out to be a very reliable guide. It often shows up as a “hunch” that we should follow. We’ve heard stories of how disasters were avoided because someone had a sense they should (or shouldn’t) take a certain plane at a certain time; or who made a seemingly last-minute change of plans that turned out to be miraculously beneficial. That inner wisdom strengthens the more we pay attention to it and we should try to develop it. It won’t let us do things that are wrong.

Elinor Stanton is a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner on Marco Island. She has more than 30 years of experience as a therapist, in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. She graduated from Boston College and University of Rochester, and is certified as a clinical specialist by the American Nurses Credentialing Center. She also is trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist. Comments and questions are welcome and may be submitted by e-mail to: etseven@aol.com or telephone 394-2861. See her Web site at etseven.net.