Brent Batten: A brewery instead of Jackson Lab? It stands to reason

BRENT BATTEN

Jackson Lab or the brewery? Which is better for Collier County?

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Archaeologists believe that beer built early human civilization.

Growing grains and brewing beer required stable, cooperative communities and beer-fueled festivals created early alliances that gave rise to more complex societies some 11,000 years ago, they postulate.

So, Collier County having apparently missed out on an opportunity to lure Jackson Laboratory and be home to one of the newest industries on the planet _ personalized medicine based on research into the human genome _ it is only fitting that in its place steps the oldest industry on the planet _ beermaking.

Ernest and Curtis Sittenfeld want to open a brewery at Ave Maria, near where the Jackson Lab facility would have been built had local opposition and a change in Florida’s governor’s office not put those plans in dire jeopardy.

By now, anyone who has a computer and at least one “I-forward-every-joke” friend on their e-mail has seen the “Reasons Why a Beer is Better than a Woman” gag.

It is a string of pearls of misogynistic wisdom such as, “A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer,” and, “You can have a beer in public.”

It’s the lonely losers’ way of consoling themselves after countless rejections.

And, based on the fact that the list has been circulating around the Internet for 15 years, it must work.

To comfort Collier County economic development advocates, a similar device might be in order here.

Reasons Why a Brewery is Better than a Genetic Research Lab:

■ A brewery won’t make you spend half a billion dollars in taxpayers money before it will produce benefits for you. It will do so for about $10 a 12-pack.

■ A brewery won’t expect you to know what ribonucleic acid, deoxyribonucleic acid and nucleotides are. Knowing about mash and hops and wort is sufficient.

■ To capitalize on its work, a genetic research lab will attract pharmaceutical companies, teaching hospitals and medical device manufacturers. To capitalize on its work, a brewery will attract bars.

■ You reap the rewards of a genetic research lab when you’re stricken with an illness that requires expensive, cutting-edge treatment. You reap the rewards of a brewery when you’re watching football.

■ While both a brewery and a genetic research lab might offer tours to the public, only a brewery gives out free samples at the end.

■ A genetic research lab will use a slogan like, “Leading the search for tomorrow’s cures.” A brewery will use a slogan like, “The beer that made Ave Maria famous.”

■ TV ads for a genetic research lab will feature scientists in lab coats holding test tubes up to a light. TV ads for a brewery will feature fit, tanned young people in bathing suits playing volleyball on the beach.

■ The products of a genetic research lab don’t make the opposite sex look better.

■ The products of a genetic research lab don’t make you funnier, stronger or more confident.

■ You can’t measure how good a time you’re having by the number of genetic research lab products you’ve consumed.

■ A genetic research lab isn’t likely to sponsor The Rolling Stones’ next farewell tour.

And finally;

■ A genetic research lab will hire doctors, chemists, computer programmers, administrators, fund-raisers, maintenance crews, technicians and support staff. A brewery will hire ... beer tasters.

Connect with Brent Batten at naplesnews.com/staff/brent_batten

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