Virginia’s State of Mind: The debt ceiling crisis as I see it

I’ve been trying to read news about the debt ceiling crisis. Every article I read assumes that I already understand the issue and have been following it from the beginning. I don’t understand the debt ceiling issue and I haven’t been following it since 1933.

I decided to research the issue so that I would fully understand all the ins and outs. As a public service, I have provided below a simple, easy-to-understand explanation of the debt ceiling crisis and a synopsis of the current situation.

There is a crack in the ceiling of the dome in the Capitol Building. The ceiling repair will indisputably end in serious debt. This is where the term ‘debt ceiling’ stems from.

There’s been a major heat wave this summer so for the most part the crack in the ceiling has gone unnoticed. However, the occasional rain shower causes a leak making the crack impossible to ignore. The ceiling crack is now making headline news because a hurricane has been conclusively forecasted to hit the U.S. Capitol building August 2. All agree that the ceiling must be fixed by then or there will be a run on umbrellas and raincoats the likes of which have never been seen. The result will be a lopsided rain gear market demand and economical armageddon.

Additionally, (pay attention because this next part is important) all suggested ceiling repair plan budgets will put the government in major debt. The Capitol building may go into foreclosure and the White House could end up in a short sale.

Two groups have separate plans to fix the ceiling with the least amount of debt. The Republicans, strongly led by majority leader John Boehner and Rep. Mitch McConnell, want to take out a home improvement loan. They believe that the crack can temporarily be fixed with duct tape. They also confirmed that duct tape is now available in attractive patterns that could be complementary to the existing dome design. The Republican representatives bought a really good do-it-yourself guide at Home Depot. Additionally, one of the Republican representatives recently built a deck off the back of his house and he is certain that he can construct the needed scaffolding with his aides.

The Democrats, including President Barack Obama and other great minds such as minority leader Nancy Pelosi, want to apply for a platinum American Express card. There has also been discussion of selling gold jewelry for cash. The Democratic leaders believe that the ceiling of the dome requires an entirely new architecture and an elevated skylight must be installed. The skylight installation plan requires dome specialists and skylight experts from around the world to insure that it lasts forever.

The long and short of the debt ceiling debate is this: should we go with the Republican less expensive short-term fix or the Democratic long-term repair? If the debt ceiling debate is not resolved before August 2, a torrent of rain will shower down upon the heads of unsuspecting taxpaying tourists. No members of Congress have purchased foul weather gear; a clear indicator that all believe a decision will be reached in time.

In order to meet the deadline, consultants have determined that an expert negotiator is needed to settle the debate. Thus, Bob Kraft, Nobel Peace Prize winner, NFL magnate and majority leader of the intellectual party, has been called in to end this massive game of chicken. Kraft will manage a coin toss to determine whether the Republican duct tape or Democratic skylight debt ceiling plan will be used. Kraft has selected Obama to represent the Democrats and he has selected Boehner to represent the Republicans in the coin toss.

A second conflict has now erupted over who has heads and who has tails.

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Virginia Russell is a freelance author and writer who has lived around the world but currently calls Naples home. Follow her blog at www.theforeignwife.blogspot.com and her email is virginia.russell@gmail.com.