Ciao: April foolery headlines that could only appear today

BILL KLAUBER

April 1, for years — actually centuries — has been known as April Fools’ Day. On this day permission is granted to embarrass, ridicule or even haze friends, co-workers, and even your boss. In fact just about everybody is fair game except your spouse, of course. After all, you do have to look after your own best interests, if you get what I mean.

Tom Foolery is certainly afoot on this day. And speaking of foolery, you know what they say about wise men fearing to tread where fools rush in.

So without further ado, here is my list of top headlines that could appear only on April 1. I present them in random order which is appropriate to the occasion:

• Collier County commissioners vote unanimously — no, that really is not an oxymoron — to seek the $200 billion (or was it trillion) offered, but rejected, for a high speed rail service between Tampa and Orlando. They plan to use it for high speed rail connection from the Collier government center to Germain Arena so Collier citizens can attend commission meetings without having to fill the halls outside the Commissioners’ Chambers waiting to be heard.

BP has announced that it has discovered a new kind of sand to replenish oil-damaged beaches in Louisiana and Florida. Known as quicksand, it has the added value of removing all evidence of wrong doing.

• After years of qualifying for, but failing to win the ECHL’s Kelly Cup, the Florida Everblades have decided to enter the race for the NHL’s Stanley Cup.

• FGCU football team begins spring practice in preparation for the fall’s entrance into the Big Ten Conference.

• Southwest Florida International Airport, recognizing the area’s aging population, to install moving sidewalks and offer tram service to those who need assistance.

• Retired District Two Collier County Commissioner Frank Halas is rumored to be running again and if elected it is said that he plans to replace each and every library with a fishing pier.

• Chicago Cubs to abandon Chicago during the baseball season to escape the wind which has blown away their chances to win a National League Championship for more than a century. It is said that they will continue to conduct spring training in Mesa, Ariz., but will play their regular season home games in Naples. In return for Naples allowing Mesa to host Naples Cubs spring training, the Arizona company that gave us the red light cameras will cease and desist in that activity.

• Jackson Lab decides to reorganize as a profit-making entity and move to Naples and will contribute $140 million to the county as an incentive for approving their plans to move their Bar Harbor, Maine, facility from the snow to the sun.

• Naples City Council agrees to reroute U.S. 41 traffic to Goodlette-Frank Road at Golden Gate Parkway. As part of the agreement, drivers taking that route will be required to pick up any animals found hitchhiking near the Naples Zoo. If not convenient to return them to the zoo, they may be dropped off at the Everglades.

• Naples Daily News to restrict letter writers to 250 words and to limit contributions of individuals to no more than one letter every other week. In the unlikely event of a shortfall of letters, Editor Jeff Lytle is encouraged to conduct man-on-the-street interviews.

• Myra Janco Daniels enters into an exclusive agreement with Opera Naples for the use of the Phil for local opera productions. The Sarasota Opera Company will have to move to eh, Sarasota.

• Tens of thousands will gather this summer in Rockefeller Plaza to witness the marriage of Prince William and Kate who won this year’s competition sponsored by NBC’s Today Show. In a simultaneous announcement, the Chancellor of the Exchequer released a statement that the value of the British pound had increased by 20 percent.

• State Farm, Nationwide, USAA and other major property and casualty insurers agree to accept new policyowners and to reduce premiums on all current homeowner policies.

• National Hurricane Service predicts a mild season and mandates no major storms for the area. To ensure that outcome, only proper names beginning with the letter X are available for use.

• President Barack Obama has agreed to meet with Libyan ruler Moammar Gadhafi for a summit meeting this weekend in Houston to be held appropriately at the Summit, formerly a sports arena, but now a church. Since the NCAA Final Four Championship games will be played at the nearby Reliant Stadium over these same dates, it is reported that Obama has been asked to suit up for the two biggest underdogs, Virginia Commonwealth University and Butler University, who will play each other in the semifinals. He has yet to identify which team he will play for. It is rumored that whichever team changes its mascot to the mule will capture his allegiance. Right now, VCU’s Ram would seem to be closer to the mule than Butler’s Bulldog.

Ciao!

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