Chris Griffith: ‘Save the cheerleader, save the world’

CHRIS GRIFFITH

For years we had a family inside joke, “Save the cheerleader, save the world.” It’s a line from the cancelled sci-fi TV show “Heroes.” Since we had a diehard cheerleader in the family it was the perfect smart-aleck thing to say every time there was a predicament to help her...though I’m not saying she was high maintenance or anything.

Thankfully, we did save her from the many traumas and tragedies of growing up and I now believe we did so for the sole purpose of passing onto her the tradition of cooking Thanksgiving dinner. There is a recessive gene in our family that, fortunately, causes the cooking of Thanksgiving dinner to skip every other generation.

My mother, rest her soul, would have probably gotten a kick out of how I fabricated a tale great enough that the cheerleader believed I was genetically unable to prepare Thanksgiving dinner. I stopped just short of her trying to organize a telethon.

For what it’s worth, for anyone wondering how it went last year, well, it was all fun and games until we realized we bought a turkey without a popper-upper thing in the breast. Since I’m a grazer and not a carnivore, there was no expert on staff to solve that dilemma so we did the next best thing and Googled how to tell when a turkey is done. (See guys, there’s more to the web than just porn.)

I’m sure that both your mother and mine probably cooked a thousand and two turkeys without a popper-upper before Butterball revolutionized the basic American turkey. The only thing foreign that came out of the turkeys that I ate growing up was buckshot. Sidebar: It could not have been safe for children to eat that much lead every day.

So the kid decided to tackle the holiday for the second time, invite everyone over via text message and add the declaration, “Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday!” Later that day I stalked onto Facebook to check up on the brood to see what sorts of things they’ve been up to.

Posted on the cheerleader’s Facebook wall, by her roommate/cheerleader Taylor, is this fascinating quote: “You know your roommate is an amazing chef when you are awakened by the smoke detector and she has to run into your room to learn how to shut them off. Oh and you stunt in the hallway to reach the detector!”

If you’re not up on the whole cheerleading stunt thingy, best case scenario with these two means that someone was standing on someone else’s shoulders to reach the smoke detectors. That’s talent and ingenuity in action, right there.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope your Thanksgiving was as hilarious as ours is probably going to be. If it wasn’t, I hope you find at least one thing to smile about and to be grateful for. I’m grateful for my recessive holiday cooking gene and my “emotional allergy” to beets, lima beans and Swiss chard.

She believed that line, too, and they’re not on the menu just so I don’t have a severe reaction.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Chris Griffith is a real estate agent at Downing-Frye Realty Inc. in Bonita Springs. If you have a question about local real estate or Bonita Springs, e-mail her at chris@LifeInBonitaSprings.com.

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