Can you imagine your single self sitting in a bar and up I walk to inform you, "I'm here, what are your other two wishes?" Or maybe, "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
Kind of makes you throw up a little, doesn't it? Then you won't mind signing this petition to get my wife a Purple Heart for taking the bullet known as Kevin on behalf of women the world over. Think about it, it could have been you. That's what I thought. Here's a pen.
Truthfully, I always thought the wife would become a veterinarian because I could never escape the feeling that I was a rescue she brought home from the pound. Fortunately, her commitment to mediocrity saved me from a certain death by drowning in the dating pool. As a result of her charity work, I remain ignorant as to the ways boys pursue girls. That's how I found myself online reading Laura Gilbert's "Six Things Women Love About Men" at Match.com.
The first one was "She loves that you're a man of few words." From Dr. Emerson E. Eggrichs (whose family either consulted the "Dr. Seuss Book of Baby Names" or benefited greatly from a mixup at the monogram shop involving baby clothes and the letter "E"), we learn it's alright for men not to be chatterboxes. You could hear the roar go up from the locker room as men everywhere envisioned the game on the flat screen and a cold one in their hand as the girl of their dreams happily yaps away for the two of them.Not so fast, says Dr. Triple E (any chance he has really wide feet?). He says men don't have to communicate with their pie hole, as long as they make eye contact instead. And just like that, if you want the girl AND the game, you need a lazy eye.
Number two, and I quote, "She loves your hairy body — really!" Not sure how old this study is, but if this is speed-dating night down at the community cave hosted by the Cro-magnons, I get it. However, if you're the wife with the plumber on speed-dial because your shower has shag carpet or you've ever profited from selling nude photos of your man to Sasquatch tracking websites, then maybe not so much. The study was done by the Zoological Society of San Diego. I know using humans in the lab raises morality questions, but we might be extrapolating the data out a bit too far with these chimpanzee trials.
Next, "She loves your unnatural emotional attachment to your favorite sports team." OK, first off, why is this unnatural? Before you go thinking your girl's on board with NFL Sunday Ticket and you're finally getting that 24/7 ESPN feed in the crapper, read on.Girls like seeing us tear up after a tough loss or emotionally living through our comrades on the sidelines; it shows a sensitive side.Sweetie, that's cute, but those tears come from the onion that was the C-note I just lost on the Packers game, the one I was gonna buy your birthday present with, so just grab a couple of tissues for the both of us.
"She loves when you act tough" is explained with a quote from Nancy Slotnick, author of "Turn Your Cablight On: Get Your Dream Man in Six Months or Less," (doesn't this sound like it should come with free shipping and handling?) who says "Most women want bad-boy qualities so they don't have to act perfect all the time." Seems like a slippery slope here. Does this mean you'll be turned on if my bad-boy self leaves the seat up and you splash down? Are you going to be rubbing my leg under the table if I rip the waiter a new one for not bringing the ketchup? This one seemed easy, I really need to get one of these.
Finally. I was starting to think the wife lost a bet, but I got this one. Word for word, "She loves your artistic side. You don't need a massive paycheck to appeal to the ladies. They actually find the 'I'm working on a screenplay' lifestyle alluring." Ladies, step right up and get your groove on with Mr. Heald Massive paycheck? How hot is no paycheck? And I've been working on a book for decades! Wait, the thesaurus folks are calling, they want permission to add me under "sexy."
That didn't last long. The last one is "She loves your geeky electronic obsession." Any chance that means the wife is digging my bag phone? From Andrea Miller, founder and CEO of YourTango.com, we get,"When a guy shows a woman some new gadget, it shows his intelligence." Does the remote control count?
So, to be right with my girl, I need to have a staring contest with her, bathe in Rogaine, find a game to cry about, do something stupid so she can, too, write a couple more pages for the book and then play "Call of Duty" with her on the Xbox.
Yeah, that ain't happening, but it's all good. The pound has a rule. Once you keep a stray for 30 days, you can't bring it back.Looks like you're stuck with me, honey.
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We asked Kevin's wife why she married him, she said it was all a misunderstanding. She thought her parents told her it was an arranged marriage, but they actually said it would be a deranged marriage. Kevin can be reached at LIFEisHEALD@yahoo.com.