Life is Heald: 'Go-Go Juice' the most recent sign that society is going, going, gone

OK, first thing, full disclosure. I don't drink coffee. I probably should. I drink Mountain Dew. I probably shouldn't. "Energetic" and Iowa are both states I have not visited. I only sleep eight hours a night before I sleep one more. My "snooze" button has been in a coma for three years, the victim of repeated blows to the head and one brief flight across my bedroom.

My doctor told me soda was poison. I told him ice cubes were the antidote. Me drinking Mountain Dew to wake up is not the worst thing anyone ever did with Mountain Dew. I know, because I just watched an ABC News video on YouTube about a woman named June Shannon. She comes from the world of toddler beauty pageants and she is what's wrong with the world, period. Following my discovery of June Shannon, I resigned from the human race.

This just in from the National Beauty Queen competition, 6 and under division, residue from perennial champion Suzie Bushwitz' juice box tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs, reported to be near-toxic levels of caffeine and sugar. She was disqualified until further notice or when she climbs down off the ceiling, whichever comes first. A person at the lab, speaking anonymously, suggested Suzie's parents sell her bed, as he didn't anticipate her sleeping before puberty. As for the sugar levels, he likened her to a 57- pound cavity with legs and said unconfirmed reports have Suzie's dentist in negotiations to buy the island of Australia. For cash.

June Shannon enters her daughter, Alana, in beauty pageants for toddlers. She can be seen on the TLC reality show "Toddlers and Tiaras." You can watch herthere or you can be like me and wait for the sequel, "Middle-schoolers and Menstrual Cramps." Many of the pageant mothers give their daughters some type of sugar boost before the competition, so much so that one favorite, a powdered candy called "Pixie Stix" is known on the circuit as "pageant crack." Kind of makes you want to take a shower, doesn't it?

I don't think Lee Greenwood was watching "Toddlers and Tiaras" when he wrote his hit song "Proud to be an American." June Shannon's daughter, who is really Terrell Owens in a chunky, little 6-year-old white girl's body, goes by the self-titled nickname "Honey Boo Boo." To see her sauced on Go-Go Juice, June's concoction of Mountain Dew and Red Bull, is to know the pride that comes with knowing you wired your little girl up better than the other mothers. Hallmark is already in negotiations.

Meanwhile , in the Suzie Bushwitz camp, they worry her disqualification could cost her enshrinement in the toddler beauty pageant hall of fame. Authorities are said to also have old diapers of Suzie's that show inexplicably high levels of Gerbers and caffeine. If true, this would damningly indicate long-term use of performance-enhancing caffeine. They received the diapers from a disgruntled former babysitter. The babysitter was said to be bitter after being terminated for not letting baby Suzie snort pure sugar off the kitchen counter.When asked what caused her to hold onto little Suzie Bushwitz diapers in the first place, she replied, "When a child's first words are 'two sugars and cream,' you know something's not right."

June Shannon, who looks like the Michelin Man's sister who let herself go, is designing a future for her daughter that includes, at best, a stripper pole and, at worst, a circus tent to call her own. Alana has a bit of a paunch for a stomach. No shame in that, says the spare 20 resting on my belt, but you won't find me lifting my shirt and squeezing it together just for its entertainment value. Not only will you find Alana doing so, but it will be at the urging of Momma Michelin, Shannon saying in one clip that Alana lost the pageant because she didn't "show them the belly." Yeah, that was it. This would be the same pageant in which Shannon is directing the performance from behind the judges and whose final instruction to Alana is for her to "shake the butt." Move over Lady Diana, the new face of class and elegance is June Shannon.

For now, the Bushwitz team is claiming ignorance. No one is arguing. With no one speaking on Team Bushwitz, others are coming forward. A tooth fairy spokesperson said the last four pickups at the Bushwitz address all had coffee stains. Records from Suzie Bushwitz' preschool show no evidence of even a single nap in her two years in attendance and disciplinary notes say the teacher's Diet Coke had to be put on the big-boy shelf. She was finally asked to leave after instructors caught her eating coffee grounds straight out of the filter.

June Shannon is known locally as the "Coupon Queen" and this occupation allows her the freedom to guide her daughter's beauty pageant career, to pump her full of Go-Go Juice, to look on with pride when her little Honey Boo-Boo says things like, "a dollar makes me holler" and "them girls must be crazy if they think they're gonna beat Honey Boo-Boo." Shannon has passed this desire to excel in life along to Honey Boo-Boo, who is described in one show as wanting to be a coupon queen, just like her momma. Two for the price of one.God help us all.

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Kevin entered a local bodybuilding contest, certain that the key to winning would be to show them the belly. He was disqualified after two of the judges threw up, but they did give him a coupon to Wal-Mart. Kevin can be reached at LIFEisHEALD.blogspot.com or LIFEisHEALD@yahoo.com.

© 2012 marconews.com. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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