Kevin Heald

To review, I won tickets to the Masters golf tournament. My cohorts and I have deemed ourselves too "bumpkin-esque" socially to immerse ourselves in the worldly culture of Augusta, lest our rough edges be ridiculed by the descendants of Scarlet ...

So, me and Momma Heald are sitting around the house last Saturday night. She’s rocking a hot, all-white terrycloth number that ties in the front with an equally hot, all-white terrycloth belt.

Regarding the Christmas shopping season, I’m either a smidgen past fashionably late or a bird so early that no worm is safe, as today I bring you insight into the world of children’s toys. Maybe I can help you out ...

A long dormant disease has resurfaced and caused Kevin to agree to walk on the beach with his wife. That, and the 10 pounds the porker put on over the holidays.

I have this disease that had been in remission for over a year before coming back over the Christmas holidays. What it does to me is really quite embarrassing, but if by sharing, I can help others, it will all ...

Anyone looking for proof of the impact this column has on the world need look no further than the piece I did on a decidedly large and unpleasant woman by the name of June Shannon and her cherubic toddler, beauty ...

So, here we are for our third annual year in review, or, on average, 2 years and 364 days longer than most folks thought I would make it. I took two weeks off to rejuvenate the spirit and inspire the ...

I am aware that there is a certain segment of society that believes that the white light is the right light.

Can you imagine your single self sitting in a bar and up I walk to inform you, “I’m here, what are your other two wishes?” Or maybe, “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

As a connoisseur of calories, my love for Thanksgiving is obligatory. In my role as father and Harbor Captain, I have yet to have a gravy boat leave port without first checking the manifest and at our house, we call ...

Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year. Remind me again what 6-year-old put those words to music? Easy now, I love the roundest resident of the northern north as much as the next guy.

As far as I know, the wife is not related to Howard Hughes and she certainly saw no windfall when Howard passed away. Oddly, she did seem to inherit his legendary fear of germs.

This column is due in several hours and I’ve been staring at a blank page for so long, I now understand what it’s like to be on the business end of a “White-Out” brush.

It is my dream that one day “Life is Heald” is a nationally syndicated, must-read column mentioned in the same breath as Dave Barry. Unfortunately, reality says I’m a chronic insomniac and the world is on a ventilator.

Back when I was a youth growing up in these parts, I would occasionally spend the day at the beach.

I recall a time, at least a decade distant, when I remembered things a lot better than I do now, when memories served longer sentences in my brain cell block.

The other day I was making chit-chat with a guy in line at the grocery store when he asked me what I did and I told him I wrote a column for a local newspaper.

Author’s note: This is part two in which Kevin gets back on the wagon of mowing his own grass after being addicted for six years to watching others do it.

Five or six years ago, with Christmas approaching, our boys let it be known, again, that they really wanted a puppy.

I’ve made some drastic lifestyle changes in an effort to live to 173 so I’ll be around when the Miami Dolphins start winning again.I’m trying to work in a couple of salads a month and occasionally, I steal one of ...

Most Friday nights in the fall, I can be found enjoying the slice of Americana that is a high school football game.

After deep and meaningful thought, I have come to a conclusion that is brief, yet powerful, and cannot be sugar-coated: August sucks. This is how I cleansed the calendar of the scourge that is August.

I was around 8 years old when I entered and won my age division of the local “Punt, Pass and Kick” competition in which kids punt, pass and kick a football.

We take the eldest boy to college soon. I’ve tried to think of something grandiose to say to him before departing, to inspire him to greatness, but all I have so far is, “We’ll be back in four years to ...

When I was a kid, I would play this game with a buddy of mine where we would race around the outside of his house, in opposite directions and see which one of us made it back first.

I have always been intrigued by the human anatomy, all of us built with the same parts, and yet all of us so different.

OK, first thing, full disclosure. I don’t drink coffee. I probably should. I drink Mountain Dew. I probably shouldn’t. “Energetic” and Iowa are both states I have not visited. I only sleep eight hours a night before I sleep one ...

Ours is a very tight family. Three weeks ago, the wife, our three teenage boys and myself excitedly packed our stuff in our minivan and drove 700 miles to the mountains for vacation.

My only concern about recently turning 50 years old is that my train of thought occasionally derails before it pulls out of the station, leaving me stranded and wondering where I was even going in the first place.

Holy smokes, I thought aging was a gradual process, but last week Chowder stepped on the fast-forward button and then turned all "Cujo" when I tried to make her move. Our firstborn graduated from high school, then I turned 50 ...

Woman have been having babies for a really long time. They know what they’re doing and have for a while now. It is not broken, so why are people trying to fix it?

One day in the late ‘90s, I was looking at a house for sale in our current neighborhood. All of the home sites were roughly an acre in size and we were looking for some room for the boys to ...

When Kevin high-fived a wall and sprained all the fingers on his right hand, he thought he’d have to take the week off. Then he found this homework assignment his sons had to do. He stole it, told them the ...

Creepy. There, you’ve been warned. Within the very broad parameters of what passes for normal in our country these days, I know that cosmetic surgery has its place and I’m fine with that. It’s when it gets out of place, ...

Breaking news from a large tar pit in Naples, Florida, where archaeologists believe they have made some amazing discoveries. When carbon dating results indicated their findings went back millions of years, researchers were confident they had found several prehistoric dinosaurs. ...

We all know three types of people in the world. There’s the kind you see from a distance in the grocery store, at which point you immediately abandon your shopping cart, run to your car and go to bed hungry.

Most years, when I try and trade our timeshare for some exotic locale, the only thing available is the first week in August in Pig’s Crotch, Arkansas. It’s the prime week for frying bacon on the sidewalk, but so far, ...

The golf world is all aflutter this week about a shot Bubba Watson hit from deep in the woods, under and around some trees and onto the green to win the Masters golf tournament on Easter Sunday. “Incredible.” “Unbelievable.” “Impossible.”

There are stupid people in this world. If that is a revelation to you, consider filling in some of those Grand Canyon-esque gaps in your social calendar and getting out more. There are also crazy people in the world. Most ...

For all that is holy and sacred in the name of Don Rickles, what is our world becoming? I no longer believe the center of our planet is a molten mass, but rather the core of one gigantic, extremely thin-skinned ...

I reluctantly went to my son’s bedroom the other day because you’re supposed to check for a pulse when the body hasn’t moved in 24 hours. I froze at the doorway and muttered, “Judging by appearances, I’d say the Unabomber ...

There’s a rumor going around that our oldest son is smart enough to go to college. I’m not buying it, but at least he has a career in document forgery waiting for him because the acceptance letter he showed me ...

To the gentleman in room 203 who just emerged from a coma after sleeping like a teenager on bear tranquilizers for the last six weeks and who requested he be brought up to date on all that he missed, here’s ...

“It’s just not worth it.” That’s what you hear people say when they’ve somehow been wronged, but the actions necessary to right the wrong would result in consequences even more unpleasant than the initial unpleasantness.

According to an article I read by Piper Weiss of Yahoo, there’s a couple of gals across the pond by the name of Beck Laxton and Kieran Cooper who’ve spent the last five years hiding the gender of their child, ...

My full, legal name is “Howell Kevin Heald.” I offer that not as a starting point for the identity theft interns, but as necessary information to understand what it was like for me on the first day of school every ...

I was headed for another nuclear winter, courtesy of an argument with one of my teenage sons over the usual infinitesimal, miniscule, mindless matter that comprises such conflicts. Each bit of evidence offered by either side was in turn, scoffed ...

No sooner had I finished my year in review, in which, among other things, I noted the absence of any funerals or weddings requiring the “King of the Robe” to wear dress clothes, than I found myself in a packed ...

Halfway through August, I came down with a head cold and unable, or unwilling, to write about anything, I ended up writing about the head cold. An editor on vacation and prescription cough syrup led to some details that were ...

I really enjoy writing this column and as long as the people I pay to read it keep cashing the checks, I should be alright for the foreseeable future. So, at the risk of offending the spirit of the great ...