Life is Heald: I wish I was in Dixie, just not in room 112
Updated 05/01/2013 at 12:22 p.m.
To review, I won tickets to the Masters golf tournament. My cohorts and I have deemed ourselves too "bumpkin-esque" socially to immerse ourselves in the worldly culture of Augusta, lest our rough edges be ridiculed by the descendants of Scarlet ...
Life is Heald: Slurpees, the pier and the day I caught the atomic mushroom cloud fish
Published 02/15/2013 at 9:57 a.m.
So, me and Momma Heald are sitting around the house last Saturday night. Shes rocking a hot, all-white terrycloth number that ties in the front with an equally hot, all-white terrycloth belt.
Life is Heald: Toying with the idea of Christmas shopping outside the box and inside the prison
Published 02/07/2013 at 1:08 p.m.
Regarding the Christmas shopping season, Im either a smidgen past fashionably late or a bird so early that no worm is safe, as today I bring you insight into the world of childrens toys. Maybe I can help you out ...
Life is Heald: A walk with the wife on the beach is a beach, part two
Published 02/01/2013 at 10:02 a.m.
A long dormant disease has resurfaced and caused Kevin to agree to walk on the beach with his wife. That, and the 10 pounds the porker put on over the holidays.
Life is Heald: A walk with the wife on the beach is a beach
Published 01/25/2013 at 1:35 p.m.
I have this disease that had been in remission for over a year before coming back over the Christmas holidays. What it does to me is really quite embarrassing, but if by sharing, I can help others, it will all ...
Life is Heald: Upon further review, if you'll please rise, the sausage is fine and Buzz is not
Published 01/18/2013 at 9:43 a.m.
Anyone looking for proof of the impact this column has on the world need look no further than the piece I did on a decidedly large and unpleasant woman by the name of June Shannon and her cherubic toddler, beauty ...
Life is Heald: Feeling down and out, the annual review begins downer and outer
Published 01/10/2013 at 12:25 p.m.
So, here we are for our third annual year in review, or, on average, 2 years and 364 days longer than most folks thought I would make it. I took two weeks off to rejuvenate the spirit and inspire the ...
Life is Heald: Final flight aside, the white light is not the right light
Published 12/21/2012 at 9:28 a.m.
I am aware that there is a certain segment of society that believes that the white light is the right light.
Life is Heald: Plucked from the pond at an early age, I remain ignorant in the ways of the sea
Published 12/13/2012 at 1:49 p.m.
Can you imagine your single self sitting in a bar and up I walk to inform you, Im here, what are your other two wishes? Or maybe, Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Life is Heald: Giving thanks after Thanksgiving for a sausage on the rocks
Published 12/07/2012 at 10:05 a.m.
As a connoisseur of calories, my love for Thanksgiving is obligatory. In my role as father and Harbor Captain, I have yet to have a gravy boat leave port without first checking the manifest and at our house, we call ...
Life is Heald: I love the joy of giving, it's the getting the gift to give the joy that bothers me so
Published 11/29/2012 at 4:17 p.m.
Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year. Remind me again what 6-year-old put those words to music? Easy now, I love the roundest resident of the northern north as much as the next guy.
Life is Heald: At the trout farm, my cane pole passed for the Statue of Liberty
Published 11/21/2012 at 3:14 p.m.
As far as I know, the wife is not related to Howard Hughes and she certainly saw no windfall when Howard passed away. Oddly, she did seem to inherit his legendary fear of germs.
Life is Heald: The setting for our wedding and proper perspective on life from the wife
Updated 11/09/2012 at 10:45 a.m.
This column is due in several hours and Ive been staring at a blank page for so long, I now understand what its like to be on the business end of a White-Out brush.
Life is Heald: Zig-zag pattern on Charlie Brown's shirt possible gang sign, Great Pumpkin a no-show for 46th consecutive year
Published 11/02/2012 at 10:09 a.m.
It is my dream that one day Life is Heald is a nationally syndicated, must-read column mentioned in the same breath as Dave Barry. Unfortunately, reality says Im a chronic insomniac and the world is on a ventilator.
Life is Heald: Burning memories from the beach and beyond and other moments frozen in time
Published 10/25/2012 at 3:54 p.m.
Back when I was a youth growing up in these parts, I would occasionally spend the day at the beach.
Life is Heald: I had a photographic memory, but now it's on DVD
Published 10/22/2012 at 1:54 p.m.
I recall a time, at least a decade distant, when I remembered things a lot better than I do now, when memories served longer sentences in my brain cell block.
Life is Heald: I feel sick that newspapers are dying, but don't worry, it's not Lady Gaga sick
Published 10/11/2012 at 4:46 p.m.
The other day I was making chit-chat with a guy in line at the grocery store when he asked me what I did and I told him I wrote a column for a local newspaper.
Life is Heald: I'm ready when Burt Reynolds wants to see the real longest yard
Published 10/04/2012 at 4:39 p.m.
Authors note: This is part two in which Kevin gets back on the wagon of mowing his own grass after being addicted for six years to watching others do it.
Life is Heald: Ask not what the puppy can do for you, but what you can do for he who bought the puppy
Published 09/27/2012 at 4:18 p.m.
Five or six years ago, with Christmas approaching, our boys let it be known, again, that they really wanted a puppy.
Life is Heald: Apparently, Grandma hugs you because she can't see, hear, smell or taste you
Published 09/13/2012 at 11:59 p.m.
Ive made some drastic lifestyle changes in an effort to live to 173 so Ill be around when the Miami Dolphins start winning again.Im trying to work in a couple of salads a month and occasionally, I steal one of ...
Life is Heald: Excuse me, could I bother you for just a moment to stand still and shut up?
Published 09/06/2012 at 3:13 p.m.
Most Friday nights in the fall, I can be found enjoying the slice of Americana that is a high school football game.
Life is Heald: 'July!' I shouted, as August pled his case to stay
Published 08/30/2012 at 4:53 p.m.
After deep and meaningful thought, I have come to a conclusion that is brief, yet powerful, and cannot be sugar-coated: August sucks. This is how I cleansed the calendar of the scourge that is August.
Life is Heald: During my 15 minutes of fame, the timekeeper recalled my watch
Published 08/23/2012 at 3:12 p.m.
I was around 8 years old when I entered and won my age division of the local Punt, Pass and Kick competition in which kids punt, pass and kick a football.
Life is Heald: Even a gold Reese’s wrapper can’t stop a graduation miscalculation
Published 08/17/2012 at 5:33 p.m.
We take the eldest boy to college soon. I’ve tried to think of something grandiose to say to him before departing, to inspire him to greatness, but all I have so far is, “We’ll be back in four years to ...
Life is Heald: Could a small bladder really be the secret to winning the gold?
Published 08/10/2012 at 3 a.m.
When I was a kid, I would play this game with a buddy of mine where we would race around the outside of his house, in opposite directions and see which one of us made it back first.
Life is Heald: Skin grafts and snippets about what the snowbirds are missing
Published 08/03/2012 at 9:21 a.m.
I have always been intrigued by the human anatomy, all of us built with the same parts, and yet all of us so different.
Life is Heald: 'Go-Go Juice' the most recent sign that society is going, going, gone
Published 07/27/2012 at 3 a.m.
OK, first thing, full disclosure. I dont drink coffee. I probably should. I drink Mountain Dew. I probably shouldnt. Energetic and Iowa are both states I have not visited. I only sleep eight hours a night before I sleep one ...
Life is Heald: I think I now understand why the bus driver was always grumpy
Published 07/19/2012 at 3:40 p.m.
Ours is a very tight family. Three weeks ago, the wife, our three teenage boys and myself excitedly packed our stuff in our minivan and drove 700 miles to the mountains for vacation.
Life is Heald: Once the walls and linoleum were on board, it was time to go home
Published 06/27/2012 at 12:16 p.m.
My only concern about recently turning 50 years old is that my train of thought occasionally derails before it pulls out of the station, leaving me stranded and wondering where I was even going in the first place.
Life is Heald: With no race car or Legos, the saint goes marching off to college
Published 06/05/2012 at 3:27 p.m.
Holy smokes, I thought aging was a gradual process, but last week Chowder stepped on the fast-forward button and then turned all "Cujo" when I tried to make her move. Our firstborn graduated from high school, then I turned 50 ...
Life is Heald: Please remove National Geographic from the maternity ward
Updated 05/30/2012 at 9:21 a.m.
Woman have been having babies for a really long time. They know what they’re doing and have for a while now. It is not broken, so why are people trying to fix it?
Life is Heald: The grass was greener alright, but somebody still had to mow it
Published 05/22/2012 at 11:57 a.m.
One day in the late ‘90s, I was looking at a house for sale in our current neighborhood. All of the home sites were roughly an acre in size and we were looking for some room for the boys to ...
Life is Heald: Stolen homework reveals teenagers, like pirates, bound by the code
Published 05/16/2012 at 4 a.m.
When Kevin high-fived a wall and sprained all the fingers on his right hand, he thought he’d have to take the week off. Then he found this homework assignment his sons had to do. He stole it, told them the ...
Life is Heald: For young and old, can we please just draw a line in the plastic?
Published 05/08/2012 at 3:07 p.m.
Creepy. There, you’ve been warned. Within the very broad parameters of what passes for normal in our country these days, I know that cosmetic surgery has its place and I’m fine with that. It’s when it gets out of place, ...
Life is Heald: New theory suggests dinosaurs died after being hit by Earl’s Cadillac
Published 05/01/2012 at 12:42 p.m.
Breaking news from a large tar pit in Naples, Florida, where archaeologists believe they have made some amazing discoveries. When carbon dating results indicated their findings went back millions of years, researchers were confident they had found several prehistoric dinosaurs. ...
Life is Heald: God called a friend home to hear the tale I fondly loathed
Published 04/24/2012 at 11:49 a.m.
We all know three types of people in the world. There’s the kind you see from a distance in the grocery store, at which point you immediately abandon your shopping cart, run to your car and go to bed hungry.
Life is Heald: I had a such a grand time in Ord’s colon that I bought the shirt
Published 04/17/2012 at 3:20 p.m.
Most years, when I try and trade our timeshare for some exotic locale, the only thing available is the first week in August in Pig’s Crotch, Arkansas. It’s the prime week for frying bacon on the sidewalk, but so far, ...
Life is Heald: The shot Bubba Watson hit to win the Masters? Elementary, my dear
Published 04/10/2012 at 12:40 p.m.
The golf world is all aflutter this week about a shot Bubba Watson hit from deep in the woods, under and around some trees and onto the green to win the Masters golf tournament on Easter Sunday. “Incredible.” “Unbelievable.” “Impossible.”
Life is Heald: ‘Driving Miss Crazy,’ the little known prequel to ‘Driving Miss Daisy’
Published 04/03/2012 at 11:54 a.m.
There are stupid people in this world. If that is a revelation to you, consider filling in some of those Grand Canyon-esque gaps in your social calendar and getting out more. There are also crazy people in the world. Most ...
Life is Heald: Remember, some of life’s slings and arrows have rubber tips
Published 03/26/2012 at 5:10 p.m.
For all that is holy and sacred in the name of Don Rickles, what is our world becoming? I no longer believe the center of our planet is a molten mass, but rather the core of one gigantic, extremely thin-skinned ...
Life is Heald: The Emperor was out, so I accidentally washed my guilty conscious
Published 03/20/2012 at 3:06 p.m.
I reluctantly went to my son’s bedroom the other day because you’re supposed to check for a pulse when the body hasn’t moved in 24 hours. I froze at the doorway and muttered, “Judging by appearances, I’d say the Unabomber ...
Life is Heald: Dangerous dining on a dish from one with a damaged disposition
Updated 03/09/2012 at 10:49 a.m.
There’s a rumor going around that our oldest son is smart enough to go to college. I’m not buying it, but at least he has a career in document forgery waiting for him because the acceptance letter he showed me ...
Life is Heald: Now running at first base for Caesar, Simba the vegan Lion King
Published 02/27/2012 at 3:07 p.m.
To the gentleman in room 203 who just emerged from a coma after sleeping like a teenager on bear tranquilizers for the last six weeks and who requested he be brought up to date on all that he missed, here’s ...
Life is Heald: Watch how you park since my resolution is not panning out
Published 02/07/2012 at 11:55 a.m.
“It’s just not worth it.” That’s what you hear people say when they’ve somehow been wronged, but the actions necessary to right the wrong would result in consequences even more unpleasant than the initial unpleasantness.
Life is Heald: Sorry to break it to you, Sasha, but your mommas did you wrong
Published 01/31/2012 at 1:01 p.m.
According to an article I read by Piper Weiss of Yahoo, there’s a couple of gals across the pond by the name of Beck Laxton and Kieran Cooper who’ve spent the last five years hiding the gender of their child, ...
Life is Heald: Teacher, please tell the kids that ‘Howell’ is a noun, not a verb
Published 01/24/2012 at 12:46 p.m.
My full, legal name is “Howell Kevin Heald.” I offer that not as a starting point for the identity theft interns, but as necessary information to understand what it was like for me on the first day of school every ...
Life is Heald: Sorry, ladies, but there is recorded proof that God is a dude
Updated 01/18/2012 at 9:19 a.m.
I was headed for another nuclear winter, courtesy of an argument with one of my teenage sons over the usual infinitesimal, miniscule, mindless matter that comprises such conflicts. Each bit of evidence offered by either side was in turn, scoffed ...
Life is Heald: Thanks for coming, but employees must wash their hands before returning to work
Published 01/09/2012 at 4:04 p.m.
No sooner had I finished my year in review, in which, among other things, I noted the absence of any funerals or weddings requiring the “King of the Robe” to wear dress clothes, than I found myself in a packed ...
Life is Heald: The year in review, part two
Updated 01/03/2012 at 4:08 p.m.
Halfway through August, I came down with a head cold and unable, or unwilling, to write about anything, I ended up writing about the head cold. An editor on vacation and prescription cough syrup led to some details that were ...
Life is Heald: Defying the good advice of one Satchel Paige
Published 12/27/2011 at 11:59 a.m.
I really enjoy writing this column and as long as the people I pay to read it keep cashing the checks, I should be alright for the foreseeable future. So, at the risk of offending the spirit of the great ...