'Game of Thrones' merch, ranked: From awful to awesome
HBO's “Game of Thrones” has delivered not just winter but a "Mountain's” worth of merchandise aimed at the millions of fans obsessed with TV’s most talked about series (Sunday, 9 EDT/PDT).
To that end, we’ve retired to The Citadel, put on our maester’s robe and compiled a sampling of wares marketed over the eight-season life of “Thrones,” which ends its run May 19.
Here’s our ranking of each product’s fit with the “Thrones” brand, from the ridiculous to the sublime, followed by our own fantasy suggestions inspired by that wayward Starbucks cup (Wouldn’t Pike Place have been the perfect name for Joffrey’s display of enemy heads?):
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10. Khal Drogo thongs
Imagine a trip to the ER when you're wearing this underwear. Regretfully, our choice for most ridiculous "Thrones" product appears to have gone the way of Khaleesi Dany's late husband, as it no longer is available on Etsy or Pinterest. With any luck, any remaining thongs have found their way to a funeral pyre, just like their namesake.
9. Iron Throne (toilet) wall decal
Coming in a close second in the epic Battle of Bad Taste is this wall decal (Etsy, $28-30 and elsewhere) that's designed to turn your porcelain throne into the Iron Throne. Bonus: It offers a great setting to re-enact Tywin Lannister's epic death scene.
8. The Night King Geeki Tikis Mug
Who knew that if you went far enough north of The Wall you ended up in Polynesia? That's the best explanation we can come up with for this bizarre thematic pairing (shop.hbo.com, $17.99), our choice for most illogical "Thrones" memento. For that, we love it.
7. “GoT” Major League Baseball bobbleheads
Yeah, so maybe the Phillie Phanatic sitting on the Iron Throne constitutes blasphemy, whether you worship the Old Gods or The Lord of Light, but it’s so darn cute! (FOCO, $45-60)
Of course, you can't go wrong with any "Thrones" action figure from the always reliable Funko Pop! collection (shop.hbo.com, $15-30).
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6. Danielle Nicole "GoT" handbags/accessories
We’re not offering fashion criticism, but a collection (Danielle Nicole, $18-$88) that includes a House Stark Faux Fur Backpack and a House Targaryen Dragon Tote gets high marks just for the names.
5. Brewery Ommegang’s For the Throne beer and Royal Reserve Collection
Maybe it’s that Winterfell drinking fest talking, but the 750-milliliter Ommegang bottles serve as handsome decorations worthy of display in the Red Keep – even before they’ve been opened. The names are fun, too, starting with Iron Throne Ale, the first beer released in 2015, and more recent Royal Reserve offerings, including Hand of the Queen barley wine and ale-blend Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, and the newest, For the Throne, a co-fermentation beer (Information at ommegang.com).
But who would be the best spokesman? We’re thinking Tyrion Lannister for craft-beer snobs and Tormund Giantsbane for the “when you’re having more than one” crowd.
4. Adidas’ ‘GoT’ Ultraboost Shoes collection
These running shoes might be just the thing for a Westeros resident seeking to beat a hasty retreat in the face of a dragon or White Walker. The shoe color palette matches the colors of the respective “Thrones” houses, with some fun bonuses: the family sigil on the tongue and motto on the heel tag (Adidas, $180).
3. White Walker by Johnnie Walker
Move over Johnnie Walker Red, Black and Blue. The whisky brand offers a “chilling” limited-edition White Walker blend ($36) in a distinctive white-and-blue bottle. If you’re shaken by the Striding Man logo shedding his friendly demeanor for an air of menace as a Night King lieutenant, settle down with one of the suggested drinks: Army of the Dead, The Night King’s Sour or Hold the Door.
Diageo, which owns Johnnie Walker, also features a single-malt collection ($29.99-$64.99) named for seven Westeros houses and the Night’s Watch .
2. Urban Decay “GoT” makeup collection
Urban Decay says its makeup choices are “inspired by chosen places in Westeros and the strong women of the Seven Kingdoms,” with looks designed for fans of House Stark, House Targaryen, House Lannister and the White Walkers (Urban Decay, $19-$65, with a special Vault edition, $250).
It’s hard to top a product line that features these names: Mother of Dragons Highlight Palette (complete with dragon-egg-shaped shades named for Drogon, Rhaegal and Viserion); Dracarys Lip & Cheek Stain; Jon Snow’s Longclaw Large Eyeshadow Brush; and Arya Stark’s Needle Flat Eyeshadow Brush.
1. Hodor Door Stop
With no disrespect to the beloved and much-missed Hodor, this stop — a take on the tragic "Hold the Door" assignment that fried the Bran protector's mind — is kind of brilliant.
...And a few products we wish we could buy
And now, in our late-stage Mad King Aerys delirium, some hoped-for products:
Three-Eyed Raven Night Vision Goggles: See what Bran sees: See the future. See the past. See that really dark episode of “Game of Thrones.”
Night King Cubes: Looking for the existential gin and tonic? Drink to (and of) the remains of the frosty one with these Arya-carved ice cubes. (For those on a budget, try Wight Ice.)
Cersei’s Wildfire No. 5: A powerful scent for those seeking to make heads turn – and burn!
Valyrian Steel Razor Blades: The blade that vanquished the Night King offers your closest shave ever. (Not available north of The Wall or anywhere White Walkers live).
Faceless Men cosmetics: “Let me put my face on” takes on a whole new meaning with this Arya-inspired collection of vintage visages. Become a Many-Faced God – or Goddess!
Melisandre age-defying jewelry: The decades wash away with a beautiful necklace from the Red Priestess collection (Warning: Once you put this jewelry on, you’ll never want to take it off. Believe us.).
Joffrey Juice: This mall chain offers a potent elixir that packs a surprise wallop. Ask for your drink Purple Wedding-style, i.e., lots of foam.